Japanther-Skuffed Up My Huffy

Japanther Skuffed Up My Huffy:

If you strip away the indier than thou recording quality and the multi layered slacker vocals, you basically have Relient K.

Rating: 3/15 thinly veiled pop punk bands

Grouper - Dragging A Dead Deer Up A Hill

Grouper Dragging A Dead Deer Up A Hill:

This is what Mazzy Star hanging out with Jesu would sound like, yet somehow more boring. The girl can sing, but the album just drones on and not in a good way.

Rating: 9/15 Quaaludes

Tahiti Boy and The Palmtree Family-EP

Tahiti Boy and The Palmtree Family EP:

This album hasn't been released yet, but after listening to thirty seconds of the song 1973 I feel qualified to bash any and all output this band, its members, and scene affiliates may ever produce. Nothing, and I mean nothing pisses me of more than grown men making twee pop with string and woodwind sections. If they were making this kind of music for a children's television show, I'd still be put off, but this music is meant for consumption by other adults. Adult men and women see this band live then go home together. The human condition and the world which we experience provide nearly endless interesting subject matter to be explored. If you experience the world around you and the ideas that the human mind is capable of, and come out of that process wanting to write cutesy songs about little birdies and flowers set to music videos with dancing puppets, then you are an insult to the human race's artistic capabilities. Sesame Street contains more challenging ideas than this bullshit band. If you like this band you are wrong, and I advise you to stop listening to them, because the next step has to be diaper fetishism.

0/15 Redeeming artistic qualities

Blue Sky Black Death- Slow Burning Lights

Blue Sky Black Death Slow Burning Lights: One of the best production crews out there joins forces with Coco Rosie sounding vocalist to produce an interesting listen. The beats and production are top notch, the lyrics are strong, but the singers voice isn't my cup of tea(ed. note: Sounds like some one broke her jaw then made her sing.).

Rating: 12/15 unexpected collaborations

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart-selftitled

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart Selftitled:

Props on making the same indie-rock record every indie band has made since the mid-1980s.

Rating: 8/15 Hot hipster chicks with awful Diamond Dogs haircuts

The Dirty Projectors - Rise Above

The Dirty Projectors Rise Above:

Congrats! You've made the indie version of Pat Boone's “In A Metal Mood.” You're neither funny nor ironic.

Rating: 1/15 Henry Rollins giving you a well deserved uppercut

The Drones - Havilah

The Drones Havilah:

Smug indie rock made by your parents. With their mildly dissonant clanging and Nick Cave wardrobe, The Drones may become critics darlings. Thankfully most people are smart enough to be repulsed by music that sounds like a British man having a stroke over the sound of your mom doing dishes.

Rating: 8/15 Band photos involving black blazers and a mirror

Iran - Dissolver

Iran Dissolver:

For people who think TV On The Radio are too interesting to be cool.

Rating: 7/15 Indie smirks

Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend

Vampire Weekend Vampire Weekend:

Vampire Weekend fit nicely in the, “semi-popular because they're not as shitty as Bloc Party,” category.

Rating: 9/15 Ironic t-shirts

Kimya Dawson - Alphabutt

Kimya Dawson Alphabutt:

A children's album about Dawson's more unsavory bodily functions.

Rating: 4/15 Pitchfork reviews which use elaborate justifications to explain why obviously shitty albums aren't shitty

Chairlift - Does You Inspire You

Chairlift Does You Inspire You:

A cheesier version of Blondie with a singer that can't carry a tune. Somehow this album is even less interesting than my description.

Rating: 2/15 Neon leggings